I know what Hell sounds like

There is but one soundtrack playing in Hell -- Philippine girl group Mocha -- and it afflicts the ears of the eternally damned like a million alcohol-soaked bobby pins being driven into their heads. The ladies of Mocha seem to have a lock on basketball events; they were hired to ruin Alaska's championship after party at Hard Rock Café last year, as well. Their hit 'Patcha' could rival waterboarding on White House counsel/fascist ogre David Addington's short list of party activities.

They opened for Arenas at multiple events during the tour, wearing these adidas outfits that give new meaning to the term "performance apparel." Thankfully, we were spared 'Patcha,' in favor of shoddy Beyoncé and Rihanna covers. One sure sign of Arenas' smarts was that he instinctively knew to stay away from these dames. He posed for some pictures, but when Mocha, the aptly-named leader of Mocha (in the center wearing the red top and skirt) tried to pull him on stage for some sexy dancing, I saw Arenas look more serious than at any other moment of his time in Manila and shut her down with a very definitive "no." He was comfortable being pawed and grabbed by hundreds of screaming fans, but the attention from Mocha proved too frightening even for Agent Zero.